Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
