it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
