You're my little dorito
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
