I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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