No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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