I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
