if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
