Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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