Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
