somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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