Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize