Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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