I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
