Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
