then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When did angry sex become our thing?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
