my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
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I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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