I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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