I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
