Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
