dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
