went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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