he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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