i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
