A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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