I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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