You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I deserve this hangover.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
