my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
