She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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