I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
