I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
