She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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