Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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