You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
