There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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