I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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