Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
