Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
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Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
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I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??