My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
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Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.