I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
