The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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