Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen