Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
