I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
