It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
