Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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