Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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