I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
