I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
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She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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