I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
