Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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