she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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