Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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