There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The adults are the big ones right?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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