Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
