I wish I could teleport
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
