You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
smell my finger.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
