I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
