oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
