I am midnight drunk by noon
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize